PHASE 01
The Soft Launch
Still went to the gym... but only for mirror pics. "I'll cut in May" - famous last words. Strategic bulking for a summer that never came.
We're not getting fat. This is strategic bulking... for summer.
2021
HOT BOY SUMMER
We all peaked in 2021. This is the aftermath.
From jawlines that could cut glass to bellies that rest on our thighs. We traded everything - abs, girlfriends, sunlight, dignity - for charts, tendies, and the sweet release of never leaving the house again.
NOW
WE USED TO BE DANGEROUS
We had abs you could wash clothes on, actual social lives, and girls who replied within 30 minutes. Then crypto found us. Now we're all 50+ lbs heavier, wearing the same crusty black hoodie like a second skin, and our idea of touching grass is ordering DoorDash that gets left at the door for three hours because none of us want to stand up. This isn't one loser's story. This is the entire generation quietly dying in gaming chairs while pretending we're researching. We did this to ourselves. And we're too far gone to stop. Welcome to Hot Boy Summer - the summer that never fucking ends.
THE DEVOLUTION - CHOOSE YOUR PHASE
PHASE 02
The Discord Descent
Gym canceled. Cardio replaced with scrolling charts until eyes bleed. 8 energy drinks and a sad 3am burrito.
Leg day is for men with futures.
PHASE 03
The Hoodie Era Begins
Haven't seen direct sunlight since Q2 2023. Summer body postponed indefinitely. 14 identical black hoodies, all stained.
I don't sweat. I secrete pizza grease.
PHASE 04
The Chair Becomes Furniture
Gaming chair has a perfect mold of our ass. 142 steps per day. We affectionately call our gut "the bags I'm holding."
My summer bod died so my portfolio could live.
PHASE 05
The Full Send
Showering is a monthly event. Tomorrow I'll fix this - while ordering another 12-piece. Eyes permanently bloodshot.
This is fine. (It's not. We're rotting.)
PHASE 06
The Final Form
We are the HBS generation now. Crypto gave us money and took everything else. Haven't left the house since Trump's first term.
Hot Boy Summer? Bro we're in eternal Hot Boy Winter... and we kinda love it.
BUILD YOUR DAILY ROT - SIMULATOR
Pick how you accelerate the inevitable today.
Calories annihilated: 0
Projected chair damage: still structurally sound
Hot Boy Summer Readiness: -420%
Phase Assignment: Phase 1
HOW TO REVERSE THE DEVOLUTION
(lol don't even try)
☒Touch grass (without having a panic attack from vitamin D)
☒Close the 69 trading tabs open 24/7
☒Drink something that isn't neon green and sugar-free
☒Put the McChicken down just once before your arteries file for divorce
☒Go outside again (try not to immediately regret every life choice)
⚠ WARNING: Relapse rate is 99.7%. Most of us will be found dead in our chairs still holding a half-eaten tendie. We salute the fallen. See you in Phase 6, kings.